Mulling

It’s one of those cold nights where I sit in a too-dim room and mull over the complications with my human relationships. I question the authenticity of people and whether or not intentions are inherently genuine, or inherently ulterior. It comes down to the whole idea that everyone is embattled in his or her own proverbial shit storm, and I suppose the only thing to be able to gauge is that individual’s ability to see how their personal agendas affect the company around them.

Ultimately, everything we battle is relative to our own lives; we just pick and choose who we suffer with. I wouldn’t mind trudging through my hell alone – god knows I’ve done it for as long as I have. Although, it would be an interesting adventure to dive into the unknown with someone else going through life. As long as we both keep going, how unlivable could it be?

I watch movies that give me the urge to travel blindly and fall in love and hope that the farther I go the farther I get. Yet I have a lingering uncertainty that I am on a loop, and the farther I go will eventually lead me right back to where I started. Then what? Do I settle? Is that why we settle? Is it because we fear that everything will be for nothing, instead of seeing everything a second time around with greater experience? I believe we are meant to explore, but I do not believe that I personally am met to do it alone. It doesn’t matter where or how I find that person, only that they too want to adventure. I want to take someone seriously in a world where taking things too seriously will get me killed. I don’t want expectations, I just want to be. I want to ride the wave, and I want to do it with the sun in my face and a warm body beside mine.

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